The Betrayal of My Heart

I’ve thought about it a lot lately, much more than I’d like to admit. What is it? Being in a romantic relationship. To be honest, I’m twenty-three, and I’ve never even held hands romantically with a guy. I’ve never had my first kiss, and I’ve never been on a date. At times, I feel that no one is attracted to me, and as time goes on, I’m afraid I’m becoming less attracted myself. For the longest, I was strongly against being in a relationship. Every time I met a new friend and she mentioned her boyfriend, I’d get sick. I haven’t had the best experience with friends and family members who have been in relationships. They seem to be under a spell that is ridiculous and so dangerous at times. So, why would I want that? The examples I’ve seen have been everything, but hardly pleasant.

Now I sit here, behind the wheel as I drive home from work, and I suddenly feel like crying. Will I ever find that kind of love? Will I marry and have children like I’ve dreamt. And I mean literally dreamt of my child and I remember his name till this day. At the end of the day, I know I want to have that connection with someone else, to feel that romantic love. But then again, I’d be betraying myself. I’d lose a part of me that I’ve built for so long. I’d never be the same. Whether I meet someone and we last, or we breakup. It could be a bad breakup, or we end on good terms. No matter how it ends, either way, I will never be the same. And that scares me, it saddens me to lose that part of myself that I’ve worked on for years. I’ll look back at that girl and wonder where she’s gone. I’d mourn her, wish that she would return to me.

I’d have to balance yet another thing in my life. The time that I save for myself, I’d have to sacrifice that for someone else. I’d have to put my pride and ego to the side to compromise. I love being by myself, I love taking myself to the movies, spoiling myself with a perfume, or going on a shopping spree. I don’t need to love myself first, or learn to be alone, I already have. I don’t need anyone, and I don’t want to need a man, especially not in today’s world. The good options are extremely limited.

I put so much importance and stress on platonic relationships and love. I’d be betraying that part of me as well. The girl who says you need your friends and family gets into a relationship and switches up? And the worst part is, I don’t know who I’d become. Will I become the person I despise when they get into a relationship? Will I be difficult and too much? Too distant and uncaring because I don’t know how to love romantically? I’m afraid of the rose-colored glasses, I don’t want to wear them. But I’m also afraid of only seeing the bad when I’m with someone.

When I go back and forth like this, I know I’m not ready for that relationship. And that hurts even more. To know it won’t happen any time soon. But, despite the conflicted feelings I have over this, I know that I can find some peace in spending a bit more time alone with myself. There’s so much to learn, and so much room to grow before finding that person. For now, I will continue to prioritize myself, my family, and my friends. All I can do is believe that person will come at the right time. Not too early, and not too late.